William Bradford’s Thanksgiving Pyramid Scheme
PUBLISHED ON MCSWEENEY’S
Greetings, fellow Puritans. My name is William Bradford, and I want to talk to you about an exciting new opportunity that hath the potential to transform your Puritan life. Let me ask you a question: Do you want to worship God in your own way? Are you tired of some Bishop of the Church of England telling you when and where you can take the sacraments and whether those sacraments are or are not the actual body and blood of our Lord?
Marie Kondo Organizes the Survivors of a Shipwreck
PUBLISHED ON SLACKJAW
Hello! May I have everyone’s attention please? You over there, you can leave those bodies. I already tried giving them a little shake to wake them up. They won’t. I know many of us are still in shock from the shipwreck, but if we are going to survive on this tiny, cluttered desert island, we need to get organized.
PG&E is Having a FIRE SALE!
PUBLISHED ON SLACKJAW
Hey! Due to an unfortunate and completely unavoidable wildfire related incident we caused at least 17 times in 2017 (and also in 2018), PG&E finds itself in need of 30 billion dollars to pay settlements. Apparently the judge isn’t happy with us filing for bankruptcy again, which means our negligence has started a massive, uncontained FIRE SALE! This is your chance to save big!
A Complaint Letter to the Cherry Tree Lane Homeowners Association
PUBLISHED ON POINTS IN CASE
Dear Sirs, It’s me again, Reginald Dalby of number 13 Cherry Tree Lane. Sorry to write you so often, but since moving here I’ve found it to be a most peculiar neighborhood unlike any in London. My thorough examination of the HOA guide yields little insight into the peculiarities I’ve written you regarding nannies blowing through my yard and a contingent of chimney sweeps dancing about my roof. Also, there seems to be woman flying to and from number 17 Cherry Tree Lane by means of an umbrella. I mean, the first time I saw it happen I thought, “Wow! That is magical and so wonderfully done!” But I saw it happen again more recently, and while it was neat, I found myself pondering, “did that need to happen again?”
1989: A Literary Tribute to Father John Misty's Cover (Via the Velvet Underground) of Ryan Adams' Cover of Taylor Swift's 1989
PUBLISHED ON AMAZON
Once upon a time, there was a Taylor Swift who released a 1989 album. With hits such as "Welcome to New York" and "Blank Space," singer-songwriter Ryan Adams was inspired to cover said 1989 album, which then sparked Father John Misty to cover Ryan Adams' cover in the style of the Velvet Underground, which then sparked these writers to cover the 1989 album again, but with short stories.